


Everything I Never Said

by magicspills



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Fluffy Ending, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 13:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14521347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicspills/pseuds/magicspills
Summary: He was devoted to me. He always has been ever since the beginning, never failing to show that he was never going to leave. He fought for me so hard, all the time and I just wished I noticed sooner that he would always love me. Even at my lowest points, he still wanted me. When I went away, I remembered the words he spoke to me then, words that I would never forget.





	Everything I Never Said

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after Watford. Simon and Baz have been through hell but they still love each other.

‘Love isn't perfect. It doesn't come from a fairytale, nor in a book filled with dragons, and damsels in distress. It doesn't always end with happily ever after. It doesn't always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together and never letting go.’

It felt like forever, sitting on the beach after Baz left. I lost track of time and before I knew it, I was sitting under the stars. I had taken it too far this time. My trust issues have finally pushed him over the edge and now he's done with it, he's done with me. The whole afternoon, I hadn't cried one bit, but now a single tear fell down my cheek. We had argued many times in the past, but this time it was different. This time he couldn’t be bothered and I don’t blame him.

I was so lost in my own world that I didn’t hear the sliding door being pulled open. I didn’t hear someone walk across the soft grains of sand until they sat down beside me. My head snapped to the side quickly thinking that it was Baz, but it wasn’t. It was Penelope.

“Hey, are you okay?” She asked. The mere question made tears pool up in my eyes. I shook my head and let out a sob.

“No, I messed up, Penny.” My voice was strained and I’d be surprised if she can even comprehend what I’m saying. I blinked away the tears, only to see Penelope giving a small smile. I frowned and looked over at her in confusion.

“What? Are you happy about my misfortune or something? Penelope, Baz doesn’t want anything to do with me and here you are smiling?” I asked angrily. She rolled her eyes at me and stood up.

“Come on.” She said, gesturing for me to get up.

“What?”

“Get up. You’re coming with me.” She said, making me more confused. 

“No, I don’t want to go anywhere.” I said. I wondered where she wanted to take me though, but can’t she see that I am a complete mess. The last thing I wanted to do was go out.

“Trust me.” She said. There was something in her voice, maybe a glint in her eye or the slight upturn of her lips that made me think there was more to the story. I still wasn’t in the mood for whatever it was though.

“Please don’t make me go.” I said, standing up and letting Penelope drag me across the sand. I don’t know why I let her do this, I’m not the most pleasant person to be around with at the moment. We walked walked around the small beach house in England Baz and I moved into after Watford for Baz's teaching position. Penny was visiting us from America, for the week until shit hit the fan and decided to extend her stay. She pulled her keys from her pocket and got in the small silver car. I stayed put. She rolled down the window, looking at me.

“Can you please just get in, Simon.” She said, I dragged out a sigh and nodded, getting in the passenger's seat of her silver audi. She pulled out of the driveway and drove off into the night.

I rested my head against the cool window, closing my eyes. My mind wandered, thinking of every precious moment spent with Baz. God, why do I have to be so stupid? I let my own issues get in the way of one of the most important relationships; my relationship with Baz. Why can’t I just be normal? Have a normal life, be a normal boyfriend. There isn’t anything normal about me, I lost my magic, I'm a normal. I can't keep up with Baz, he's a mage and I'm just a boy with a tail and wings. I'm not the Chosen One, I never was. I came from a broken home, my parents gave me up, probably because they knew I was a mess. No wonder I’m so screwed in the head, to top it all off, Baz and I are fighting. This fight isn’t the same as all the other fights Baz and I encountered. I saw the look of anger and sadness pooled in the grey of Baz’s eyes. The last time we ever fought like this, I went off the deep end and disappeared. I was a trainwreck and I can’t end up like that again, not now. Without Baz here to tell me everything will be okay, everything won’t.

“We’re here.” Penelope said, interrupting my train of thought. I looked around to see that we were parked right in front of Watford. 

“What are we doing here?” I asked.

“You’ll see.” She said.

“Look, I’m not in the mood for whatever game you’re playing at. So can you please stop being so cryptic and just…” I stopped talking when my eyes landed on another car parked. It was Baz’s.

“Penelope, I’m serious, what is going on?” I pushed, wondering what on earth was happening right now.

“I told you; trust me and you’ll see.” She said, pulling off her seatbelt and got out of the car. I followed her. I really don’t understand what was happening. Penelope was acting stranger than usual, Baz’s car was here at his university. Nothing made sense. Are we even allowed in after school? I found the answer to that quickly when Penelope helped me through the big gates.

“Are we still allowed to go in? It's been a year, Pen” I asked, incredulously.

“I don't know,” she shrugs, “but we're not breaking in. It's just you.”

“Wait, you’re not coming with me?”

“No, I got some things to do, now go, Mummer's House. Your old room.” She said with a smile and pointed towards the school.

“I'm not going to break into my old school with no explanation as of why.” I said. She looked at me like she was annoyed with me now. Well, that makes two of us. 

“Just do it, please? Go in there and walk to Mummer's House and you'll find everything you've ever wanted.” She said. The whole cryptic thing was still annoying, but of course my curiosity got the better of me and I sighed, turning towards the window. 

“Fine but if this is some horrible prank then I'm never forgiving you.” I said.

“Just go, for crying out loud.” She groaned, pushing me closer to the window. I hesitated for a moment, but walked towards Watford. It looked intimidating at night, in the summertime, completely empty. I turned back to Penelope, she just smiled and gave me a thumbs up before walking away. 

Great, I've broken into my old school with no idea where to what to do. I decided to just listen to Penelope and make my way towards Mummer's House. It was really quiet in here, and dark too. The walk towards my old room was longer than I thought. It's been a year and my memory is off, I walked until I finally made it up the top of the stairs. Almost there. 

It was so weird being back at school. So much has happened and it brought back a lot of memories. Mostly it consisted of Baz and I fighting, or something like that. I smiled before I turned the corner towards my room, the door was already open, I saw a soft glow coming from it. 

The second I walked through the threshold, the smile faded and I guess there was a look of shock or confusion that flashed across my face. Standing there in the middle of the old bedroom, a few feet away from me was Baz. There were two candles on the floor, keeping the place lit up. He gave me a smile, which was a far cry from our previous conversation. 

“Um, Baz, what's going on?” I asked in confusion

“Do you know where we are?” He asked. 

“Watford?” I answered, uncertain if that was the right answer or not. I walked closer to him. I stopped when I got to him, standing a foot away and still giving him a curious look. 

“Yeah, but think back,” He said, “nine years ago, an insufferable curse binds two completely different blokes together and it turns out they absolutely hate each other and spend their eight years together fighting. Until one day, in a burning forest, it all changes.” He finished. I looked around, and then I understood exactly what he was talking about. 

“This is where we first met. The crucible bound us together.” I whispered softly. Baz’s face lit up with a smile and he nodded.

“Yes it is. In this exact spot all those years ago, my life changed forever. I honestly wouldn’t have changed any of it. I still would have pushed you down the stairs.” He said and so many nostalgic feelings washed over me. Not only had Baz pushed me down the stairs, but he also sent a chimera on my ass, but it ended up getting him as well. The memory amused me.

“Why?”

“Because, if I didn’t then I wouldn’t have fallen in love with how feisty you were all those years ago.” He teased, but then continued on. “ No, but really this was the moment that you entered my life and if all the trouble we caused each other in school didn’t happen then I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you. So, I wouldn’t have taken any of it back.”

I was beginning to get emotional now as we reminisced on our school days. There were good days, and bad. Believe it or not, but life back then were less complicated than compared to now. I missed everything back then from doing magic and the feel of it. Every moment spent with him was not a box of chocolate but it was different. It was real, and left a warm feeling. Why now did Baz choose to bring me here?

“Why are we here?”

“Just another rare moment where I decide to be romantic.” He said. Once again I was confused.

“Romantic? But we were fighting and-”

“Shh, just listen.” He said, and I went quiet, letting him continue on. “Yes, I was angry, and I said some things in the heat of moment and I meant them. I was hurt when you told me you couldn’t trust me, that you said that maybe this relationship has been a mistake all along. I didn’t know how to make you understand that I’m not ever going to leave you. Yes, I was angry, but that anger slowly disappeared when I tried to think of ways to prove to you that I am 100% devoted to you, that I love you always, and well, this is how.”

Baz then continued to surprise me by taking my hands in his and dropped to his knee.

“What are you doing?” I asked quickly. Was this really happening? He kept his hold on my hand, while the other searched through the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a ring. It was a simple silver band, but it was beautiful. I felt like I was suffocating, no, this can’t be happening.

“I bought this ring for you a few years back when I first proposed to you. We broke up and I didn’t get the chance to give it to you, I think now is as good as any,” He said, with a small chuckle at the end, but continued on. “It’s not much, but when have you and I ever been extravagant? There’s a small engraving inside, it says 'Baz and Simon, I choose you.’ Simple, yes, but that’s all what you and I need to be happy; simplicity.”

“I thought you were sick of me…” I said in a small voice. “Why me all of a sudden? Out of everyone you could have been with, why me?”

Baz shook his head and smiled. “Never, Snow, I always wanted you to trust me and now I’m asking you this now, just please have faith in me to know that it’s you, it was always you.”

I was at a loss of words, I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to ask why, but nothing came out. This was so out of the blue, so sudden, what did he expect me to say?

“Say yes, and I will tell everything you need to hear in my vows.” He said. Oh God, vows, that means a wedding. Well of course, I mean, engagement means a wedding. We tried this before, and we didn’t make it. It was daunting, but the moment I looked in Baz’s eyes and saw the desperation and everything disappeared. I fell more in love with those steel gray eyes, and I knew everything was going to be okay.

“Yes, yes of course I’ll marry you.” I smiled and got down to my knees and kissed him. Is this actually happening? Did he just propose and did I really say yes? I felt like everything just froze all of a sudden. Even after everything I put him through he still wanted me. Baz pulled out of the kiss and smiled brightly at me. I smiled back, not knowing what to say.

“Come on, we got a wedding to get to.” He said, standing up, pulling me up with him. I furrowed my eyebrows, looking at him, puzzled.

“What?”

“Wedding, now come on, I’m not letting life give another chance to screw us over so we’re doing it right now.” He said. This was crazy! It was spontaneous but it was perfect. He quickly blew out the candles, and led us through the school, pass to gate.

“When did you put all of this together?” I asked, as we made our way to his black Mercedes.

“Today. After I left you, I know it seem quick and unorganized but-”

“It’s perfect. Whatever it is you have planned, it’s perfect because I’m with you.” I said. He smiled at me, kissing my cheek.

All I could think about on the car ride home was how happy I was. I was absolutely elated. I don’t know how I ended up at this point with Baz actually wanting to marry me. I’ll never understand why, but I’ll accept it. When we got home all I wanted to do was lazy on the couch, watching reruns of Doctor Who. We couldn’t though, because apparently I was getting married, to Baz. This is still so insane, I was happy that it was happening now. If it didn’t then I would have just procrastinated and kept finding excuses not to get married and that would end up in yet another fight. I didn’t want that.

When we walked through the front door of the house, Baz led me to the back door and I looked outside on the beach. There was a bonfire, a big one and people out there, not too many. Baz opened the sliding door and as we got closer, I saw who was out there. Our friends, and Baz’s parents. Everyone was dressed so casual, and so were Baz and I. It wasn’t much, but it seemed fitting for he and I.

“It’s not much, I know that, but neither of us have been much for big things. We don’t have a minister or anything. It’s all impromptu. I just wanted to tell you, in front of our family and friends, how much I love you.” He said. I smiled and shook my head.

“Don’t worry, superstar. It’s all I could ask for.” I said.

He smiled and pecked my lips with his and took me over to the others. In all honesty, I was a little nervous about talking about my feelings in front of everyone, but I couldn’t chicken out. Baz told everyone that I had said yes and that interrupted in a cry of cheers, shouting out congratulations. He told everyone that we were just going to tell each other how much we love each other and celebrate afterwards. Baz and I stood at the front and he turned to face me, holding my hands in his. He took a deep breath and looked at me with his beautiful grey eyes. 

“Simon Snow, before at school, you asked why I wanted you and I want to counter that with why not? I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't marry you. You're so perfect, for me, Simon. From the moment you walked you walked into my life, all I have about is you and how much I want to be with you, love you, and protect you for the rest of my life. Yes, it gets difficult sometimes, but all relationships do. All relationships have their ups and downs and no matter how bad it gets, I'm always going back to you. We could break up and get back together for a lifetime, but that's the thing, we'd always be back together, no matter what. There is no way I want you out of my life for even a second. ” He said. 

The way he spoke was filled with such love and emotion. It was the way he always spoke to me. This time, I lost it, breaking down into tears at how much he loves me. I was such a big baby, but I couldn't help it right now. I felt so loved and happy, no one could ever make me feel like this. Baz let go of my hands and wiped away my tears and gave me a small smile before continuing on with his speech. 

“You know, you make think that I'm the strong one and that you need me and I don't need you, but you're wrong. I was so lost before I met you, once I did, my life suddenly had purpose. I found someone who would let me be my normal, bitchy self and not even think twice about it. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. You keep me grounded, you keep me stable, you may not see that, but you always have. I love you with everything in me. Through the good, the bad, everything. I can't wait to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of our lives to tell you just how much I love you. Forever and always.” He finished. 

By now I was a blubbering mess. He pulled me into his arms, hugging me. Does he honestly know how perfect he is? I really don't deserve him. Not one bit. He just held me for a moment while the others stayed silent I could hear crying, obviously Penelope's and maybe a few of the others that sat among the group. The guys probably wanted to act tough so they kept quiet. I pulled away from the hug, and brushed away my tears, looking at Baz and smiled. 

“Wow, uh… I don't think I can top that.” I said with a chuckle before continuing. “This was all a spur of the moment, so I don't have anything ready, but I'll try.” I said, nervously. Baz laughed softly and nodded. I took a deep breath before speaking up. 

“You know me so well, Baz. You know I'm terrible at showing you how much I love and need you, and sometimes you might doubt how I feel, but I need you to always know that I love you as much as I possibly can. I wouldn't be here without you, as cliché as it sounds. I literally would not be here or even on earth. You saved my life, and not just that night after we first met, but you continue to save it every day that we've been together. Even on the days where we weren't, the only thing that kept me hanging on was having faith that somehow, in someway, we would be back together again. You mean more to me than anyone in this world ever has…” I trailed off, stopping so I could gather my thoughts. Baz, who has only ever cried in front of me when we broke up, currently had tears running down his cheeks. I wanted to wipe them away, but I knew he wouldn't want me to bring attention to them in front of everyone so I decided to carry on. 

“I'm so difficult to be with, I know that, but you're just to perfect that you overlook my flaws. You just accept me for everything that I am, and no one would ever do that. You deserve so much more than me and I am going to show you how much I love you for a lifetime. I promise I will try so hard and I know it won't be perfect and I know we'll have our problems but I promise you that no matter what happens with us, in the end, it was always be you and I. Always and forever.” I said. 

“Always and forever.” Baz repeated and I felt him slip the ring on my finger. It was silent around us for a moment as we just looked at each other. I felt different now. It wasn't a proper ceremony, but I felt like this changed the dynamics of our relationship. We weren't just boyfriends or even fiancés. Now we knew for sure that we were going to with each other for the rest of our lives. There were no more threats, no more bad things looming over us. Everything from now on was a clear path. We're happy. 

“You may now kiss the groom!” Penelope shouted out of the blue, making all of us laugh. Baz still stepped forward and cupped my face in his. I still got butterflies, my heart would still beat wildly out of control and it was still harder breathing next to him. 

Everyone erupted in a roar of cheers as Baz stepped away. I smiled, ignoring the others who were now talking amongst themselves in excited tones. I just focused on Baz. 

“This was so romantic.” I told him, quietly so the others won't hear our private conversation. 

“Funny coming from me, huh?’ He joked, but I shook my head. 

“No. I wouldn't have expected anything else, this is how perfect you are.” I said. He looked at me, lovingly. 

“I really do love you, you know?”

“I know, and I really love you.” I said. He leant in and kissed me again, he kept himself close to me. 

“I can't believe you and I made it to this point.” I whispered softly. 

“I know and I wouldn't have it any other way.” He said. 

He was devoted to me. He always has been ever since the beginning, never failing to show that he was never going to leave. He fought for me so hard, all the time and I just wished I noticed sooner that he would always love me. Even at my lowest points, he still wanted me. When I went away, I remembered the words he spoke to me then, words that I would never forget. 

“What are you thinking about?” He asked. 

“Just something you said to me.” 

“Like what?” Baz asked, and I thought of the promise he made and it was a promise he kept.

“You said you'll never let me go.” I whispered. 

“And I never will.”


End file.
